Let's try this again.

Can I get a word count? I wanted to write in “notes” but I don’t have a word counter thingy on it, or at least I don’t know how it to give myself one. 

FOR years, I have wanted to write the thoughts in my head, down. They sounded good to me. I think daily, that I need to write. I think this in the shower when I actually get a shower, rare because I have had, another child, who is closing in on his second birthday. But, I digress. I want to be a writer. I want to bless myself with an outlet, but I also want to speak to that person that needs to read or hear my words. I have started a blog more than once and have quickly got distracted. I have started a memoir and then lost the passion for it. I have for lack of better words, procrastinated, over and over again. 

To combat my procrastination, I have read books about how to stop procrastinating, I have listened to podcasts and I have even done courses on how to not do that. 

“Just write,” they say. Just start, don’t let perfection paralyze you. I have heard all the stories, all the motivational videos, and pep talking me, into just starting. I was listening, but I still didn’t start. I would say, yes, but you are in a “season” where starting would be irresponsible. An example of this is “you have young children”. And then the motivational speaker would say, you need to make the time, if this is what you want. Think of Stephanie Meyers, her children were little when she wrote Twilight. And I would say, you are right, fuck it, I am gonna just start. Then the next voice would come in and say, you have back log taxes, your house is a mess, and you don’t have a place in your house to even write. I then say to myself, that’s fine just start small, don’t ignore all those things, just build the right routine and get started. But, I don’t, not for a while. 

I start, and I think, I can’t put this into the world with out someone editing it. I mean, shit, I don’t know if I am even making the point properly, I mean, are you even following this rambling? 

Fine, I have a friend, she is super smart, I will send it to her. She will correct my grammar and spelling and then I publish, remember, you just need to start. This plan backfires. She responds with love but the email she writes me is too long, I an’t even read it in one sitting without getting interrupted. It goes on about, what’s  my message, theme, or niche. “Who are you and what is your message?” 

What? Did she not even read what I wrote? I don’t even know who I am. I am freaking vomiting on the page so I can just start. Writers are supposed to write, right? I am hoping the work will help me find out who I am as a writer, I want to find my voice. Just as a side note, I have always worried that I have no direction, and this just added to my worry, of not knowing where I was going with all this. 

I go off to think, some more, cause I am good at that. The nice part of this, is the  only one critiquing my thoughts are me. That was several years ago. And after years of not writing, I am at it again. And I am doing my best to ignore the reasons to wait for a better time to get started. 

Here you go, my first 500 words! My word count is in. I got interrupted twice, but I did it anyway. P.S. I will not be re-reading or editing this as I go. All I will do is write 500 words or more each day. There is no special time of the day. I will not build a special perfect habit loop, that I will stick to. No, because let’s face it I am a mother of 4, and it is 3:16PM in the afternoon and I am still in my PJs, braless and my teeth need brushing. Don’t judge me, I can do that all by myself. Not everyday will be like this. Sometimes, I wake up before all my children and I work out, shower, and feel really good about myself. But, if I am being honest with you, I am feeling pretty good about myself right now. My children are all breathing, I did payroll for my company, finished school with my 4th grader and I am still writing, even though my 2 year old is up from his nap and kinda distracting me. My days look different from one day to the next, and yesterday, I got a ton of office work done, called the IRS, didn’t reach anyone that could help me before my phone died, mailed out taxes, late but better late then never! I even ditched the family and took the dog for a hike, and called a friend I have meaning to call. To me, that was a good day. Today, is also a good day. I love my life. But, I am also a critic. I am always thinking that my time could have been spent better, but then think, it is all perfect timing. It is special, no one else did it my way. We are all doing what we need to do in our own time, the time that works best for us. 

We spend, no, I spend too much time thinking there is a better way to do it and so never do it. Maybe there is but I would like to change how I am using my time. Instead of thinking about a better way, I am going to just start, and then continue and kinda make it up as I go, and if I find a sweet spot, a good routine, then maybe I will stick with it, or maybe I have a bad day, but this won’t derail me for another several years. I will just get back on the saddle so to speak and write another day, ideally the next day. 

Do you, and I will do me, even if that is different from day to day. 

Love, BeccaTheBad