A Work in Progress

I consider myself to be a work in progress. I don’t think I will ever stop being this. This is a new concept for me. I have always known that one of the most important things for me to teach my children is the love of learning but what I don’t think I understood was that I would from this love of learning would mean that I would constantly evolve as a person and my goals and dreams would also evolve. 

When I first began my journey as a mother, I was a “working” mother, that dreamed of as she stressed her way through brushing her teeth and trying not to be late that someday she would be in a position to not rush somewhere. It pained me so much, every morning to wake up late, tired and frazzled, and then have to rush my baby boy to do the same because I had to go to work. The dream was there, I wanted more for my life, and eventually I got there. Wish is awesome when I look at it, I did this, I got to a point where my main “work” is being a mother and educator to my children. 

Now, when I dreamed of the day that I would live in a house and not an apartment, and that I had all the time in the world to do what I wanted with my children, I thought that was it and it would make me happy and my life would be perfect. It didn’t go that way. As a matter of fact, I was not happy, I mean, let me think about this. The day I stopped working a job for an employer was a crappy day. It was not how I planned it. I was stressed, it was a work environment I just couldn’t deal with and so I quit. During this time I was already homeschooling my two children and juggling work, in a new home, state and the job I had was in my mind temporary, it was a stepping stone to the life I wanted. 

I had a plan and the plan did not work out. I would say that overall I have always known what I wanted my life to look like. I am a visual person, a writer of lists and a planner, oh I love to plan, I might love this more than anything. I am going go off on this for a bit. Don’t do what I did, or do and have to catch myself doing, just because your life doesn’t look like how you want it to be right now does not mean that you can’t make it look that way in the future. You really have that power even if it seems super unrealistic. But, don’t not enjoy the life you are living just because it seems to suck right now. That’s the thing, I have the life I wanted when I was in my early 20’s. I wanted to not rush off to work, I wanted time to home educate my children, I wanted a home with a yard and a dog that I could take on long walks. I wanted a garden and time to cook yummy and healthy meals. And up until this point, I can’t remember the point where I rejoice that I made it. I made this life for myself. I haven’t taken the time to congratulate myself on achieving these goals. Instead, I forgot that these were things I had dreamed of, wished for, so I had the time to fulfill my goals as a mother, writer and artist. 

My point is that while I truly believe that all my dreaming, list making and planning was what helped me get to where I am right now, I have never stopped to realize how far I have come, because the second I got one of those things, I wasn’t now satisfied with my life, there was always so much I wasn’t doing, having or being. 

I literally was just thinking this yesterday, “My younger self would be so disappointed with me, because I hadn’t written that book, or any book for that matter.” And the list went on about the dumb choices and not perfect scenario of my life so far. Like oh my gosh girl, you wasted so much time, fill in the blank with some kind of time waster, it doesn’t matter cause I have done then all, instead of writing, or getting organized and having a clean house, or reading to my kids or making a healthy meal or learning to garden. What the hell? I stopped myself right then and there. Yes, I could have done things better, or so I think, but I have done so much, that I need to stop it doing this to myself. I need to change the way I view my life. Because, quite frankly, I know I have it good, and I didn’t always have things this good. 

The things is, and this really helps me put it into perspective, I am a work in progress and always will be. I will always want things to be better then they are, I will always want what I don’t have. 

The problem that I want to overcome and I am sure I will have to continue to remind myself of this is, just because you have a dream or goal for yourself doesn’t mean that you will somehow arrive at this utopia state and stop reaching for a new life. There is always going to be that new goal, dream or level I want to reach, but I can’t forget what I have accomplished and bask in the glory of getting there.  

The song “Climb” by Miley Cyrus used to annoy me, not because the song is bad, but because the lyrics didn’t make sense to me. “Its not about how fast you get there? It's not about what is waiting for you on the other side?” What, I want what is on the other side, I don’t want to wait, I want it now. Like seriously! I am not sure that I can’t change my mind about this but what I can do is realize that there are lots of mini accomplishments that I need to take credit for and that the life I am living right now is great, it’s not perfect because that isn’t attainable. PERFECTION IS NOT ATTAINABLE! I yelled that just incase you weren’t listening. I will enjoy this life better if I stop, stopping myself because it isn’t. I am a work in progress, always. 

Much love, Becca the Bad