It's a Constant Balancing Act

I am not sure where to start. I have been working so hard, or at least I feel like I am working hard to improve things around the house, my body, our family business and homeschool the kids. It is truly a balancing act every single day between not over working myself, burning out completely and being cranky because of it or forgetting the key task that have to get done or just tossing in the towel on the day completely. The worst part is that most days I skate right where I should be, yet I am having to force myself to be happy about the day I had since my house is only half cleaned or a complete mess. Sometimes, I feel like I should rename this blog, Recovering Paralyzed Procrastinator or It’s a Constant Balancing Act. 

I was doing really good with the challenges that I had set for myself and started but it lasted only 4 days. It was Thursday the 4th day when my little one got a fever and insisted on sleeping on me most of the day. The following day, Friday, my neck and shoulders were super kinked and I couldn’t move. On Saturday morning I could feel an improvement and this is an ALL hands with the family to tackle the house and other project that need to get handled, and this Saturday we chose to handle the backyard and porch. I chose to sweep and handle cobwebs. Before we even got to lunch, I could barely move. Luckily, I had a Chiropractor appointment later that day. 

We are currently sitting at Wednesday and I am still recovering. My neck and shoulders are better and yes I can move but I am doing my best to take it easy, no heavy lifting and when I do need to pick up something I really make sure that I am in the right position to lift. 

This is just a time period in my life. I remember going through it with all my kids when they were young. It is hard to be a mom, especially when they are under 5. Your body isn’t yours, you are constantly interrupted and you are mentally taxed each and every single day. Yet, I crave and miss the snuggles, kisses and being needed, which is probably why I keep having them the way I do. 

Some of the ways I combated this was I got out of the house and focused on other things and tasks, and get my father to babysit or play with them while I got work done. This was super helpful. While I do have Grandpa to help me a few days a week, Reddington, is a bit more needy then the others. He is not a great eater, and so chooses to nurse most of the day. Ugh, I hate even writing this because I am mostly likely going to get unsolicited advice on how I can handle my son to be a better eater or if I stopped nursing at night then you would get better sleep or whatever. But, I am not writing this so I can get help, I am writing this because it is just true in my life and I want you to know that things in life are hard sometimes. That’s it. 

I believe, I know what is best for my kids and part of that is to try, error and/or try something new.  I look at the child in front of me and I see what is needed of me. And sometimes it’s hard work to put things aside for them, but in the end I feel that its worth it. I don’t want to parent another way. I want to learn and try things that I feel might work, but I don’t want to try something I know in my gut feels wrong. I overheard some parents talking once about a method of parenting that I whole heartedly would not want to ever do with my children. I am not saying what it is because, I am not interested in making a mother wrong if they in fact do it, which is totally fine by the way, you do you, it also has nothing to do with my point… or does it, I don’t know. Look, I have adult children, I have passed through the crazy and come out the other side. And I am here to tell you that what you do in the early years effects them for life. They might not “hate” you at the time of your actions because they are too little to fight you and win but there comes a day when they are big enough and they think they can do this life without you and your help. 

They will either grow up trusting, communicating, and looking to you for advice or they will self soothe as they say or find someone other than you. You want your teenagers and young adults to come to you for advice and not their stupid friends.  You don’t get there just cause you have the title of mom, they may not hate you but they might not trust you. I love my kids unconditionally and they know it, and just cause they know it today doesn’t mean I won’t have to prove it tomorrow. This does not mean, let them walk all over you, set no boundaries and self sacrifice to your children. It means listen to what your child is saying, talk to them, let them know what is going on. It means making sure they are well fed, and rested. It means put down your phone, snuggle and play with them. It means teaching them manors and treating others with kindness by modeling it when you talk to them. Your kids need to know what is ok and what isn’t ok, but most of the time they know. They might not know how you prefer the dishwasher to get loaded until you show them, but they do know they shouldn’t dump their water all over the floor. It is ok to say, “Not cool, here is a towel, clean it up.” But, don’t waste your breath and energy lecturing them about it. 

It’s a balancing act! The best guild I have, is to treat my kids how I would want to be treated. I do my best to look at things through their eyes. 

This helped me. It was a good reminder. This time come and goes. Got to love on myself, so I can love on my babes. Brain dump on the page as my outlet and here I am loving my job as a mother again! 

I love the saying, “The days are long but the years are short!” It is so true, when they are little it feels long, and then when they just pop in for a short visit as adults you think, “how did you grow up so fast?” 

Love, Becca the Bad

Grateful

Oh my gosh, is it just me or is there always work to do? Yeah, I thought so, we are all busy but is it productive? I will say that I am doing pretty good since Monday, so good in fact that I have very little time to write as I am getting “all the things,” done. I really feel the pull that this is not what I should be doing, but I made a promise to myself that I would write every day. Everyday is not happening but this is a huge improvement to what was happening before. I would think about writing everyday and then the days, weeks, months and even years would pass and I will still never sit down and write. Of course, this is not what I pictured I would be writing about. I think this is one of the reason’s I never got started, I was waiting for amazing inspiration that would strike me, or  I would have all this time waiting for me so I could just take my time, edit and really process something I thought would be worth a read. I have decided to throw out the idea perfect. I finally realized that just like there is never a perfect time to have a baby, neither will there be a perfect time to write. 

Last time I sat down to write, I stated that I started a couple of challenges. Boy, am I a competitive person. This was just the right amount of accountability to kick my butt into gear. To add to the fuel, my kids and husband decided to join me! This is a huge success for me and the whole family! Since Monday, we  have all gone hiking each night after dinner. Another bonus is, Sean is not eating out for lunch, and he has been totally agreeable about this! If you know my husband you will know he is quite stubborn in his ways and he loves eating out. If he could eat out every meal he would. This is not only a big waste of money it is also terrible for the body. When we first starting dating this was one of the only things we disagreed about, and he would complain when I would insist I pack a lunch for him and then would still eat out and waste the lunch I made for him. It drove me bananas and after a while I just gave up, as the fights weren’t worth it. We have been married for 17 years now and I guess the investment of educating him on the numbers and health draw backs are finally paying off. 

Speaking of 17 years married, I want to say this, marriage is hard!! We are polar opposites. We were brought up so differently. He loves things like football which I despise. When we started dating he liked to eat cheese that came out of a can. Yuck! He teases me about being a tree hugging hippy, and I would make fun of him for being a white trash, redneck jock. I am telling you, polar opposites! And yet, we are a perfect pair. The things that really matter keep us going. We love being parents, we love building a future together. Surprisingly, enough we love the same design of homes and for the most part agree on politics. We both love the outdoors and nature. We both get the same good and bad vibes from people. We love to people watch or plan what we would do if we won the lottery on date nights. Our core values are the same. We have plenty of moments, when it comes to movies, music and food where we disagree. We get tired and overwhelmed by all the things it takes to keep a business and household running. We get snippy and naggy with each other but still we are solid. 

It is wonderful to look back on our time together and see how far we have come. Things haven’t been easy. We have had no place to live, no money for food, and no car to drive. We went from crashing at other peoples houses, to getting a one room apartment, to a one bedroom apartment, to a 3 bedroom house. We have moved cross country to have to turn around and move back. We went from paycheck to paycheck as employees, to building a successful business and actually being able to pay our bills and being able to save. The bumps in the road have been insane and I was sure at times we would not survive. We lost our house to foreclosure in the 2008 recession. We lost our home to a fire which could have killed us if we hadn’t been woken by the smoke detector. We have been so far in debt that we couldn’t see straight or breath, and yet here we are still standing. The idea of doing any of those things by myself is truly a scary proposition. Thank goodness, I am married to a strong and capable person. He is such a great partner. We have been dealt crap hands, we have had to work for everything we have and yet we are still pushing towards a better life. We want to get better everyday. We want the best for our children, and we have worked as a team to make that happen. I love the family we are, even if I also freak out that we aren’t perfect. This is something I am working on, since I know perfection is unattainable, I still want it. 

Well, this was a good exercise. I needed to write this, for me, my husband and my marriage. We are tough, life kicks back and I am happy I have someone to share the hard times and the good times with. We have had plenty of both and I look forward to many more years of kicking ass and taking names! Sending you all lots of love for the hard times, keep at it, it will pass until the next hard time! ; )

Love, Becca the Bad 

How to Not Struggle with Homeschooling

Oh man. I took a few days off from writing. Although, I still did do some journaling, I did not have a chance to sit down at the computer to write. We went on a wonderful camping trip up by Kern River. That was exactly what I needed. It wasn’t easy, I don’t particularly like being sweaty, and dirty or even sleeping any where besides my bed, oh and I like having a toilet close by me. Yet, camping is a freedom to just relax and enjoy the beauty that is around me. 

I was planning on writing about homeschooling, since I have had a bunch of messages with questions on the how’s of homeschooling. During this time of quarantine a lot of people are looking at homeschooling as the only option. In my opinion this can either be a blessing or a curse. You can enjoy this time with your children or you can make this time super hard. Now, I am not sitting on my high horse of enjoyment. I struggle with enjoying the time with my children at least once a day. The thing is, homeschooling is hard, a real labor of love. 

I am going to take some time to tell you what I am normally doing when I struggle with my children. The first area is comparing. If I am comparing my child to other peoples children, or what grade they are supposed to be in or how the other child of mine learned something and its not working for the next child, I mean any kind of comparing, I will be in trouble it will be painful and my children reject me and my need to change things because they aren’t cutting it. If you find yourself stressing over how your child is not matching up to the other kids or grade level, STOP, I promise this should not be something you stress about. Your child can totally sense this and it is NOT good for them and it will not help them do well by you comparing them to their sibling or the neighbor or what you see on TV or Social. 

If I am not completely looking at the child in front of me, we will both struggle. EVERYONE is different, and that is the beauty of homeschooling, you can custom things for that child, and yourself. The possibilities are endless. Homeschooling to be successful will not look like school. I will repeat this because I really think this is important to understand. Successful homeschooling does not look like school, heck sometimes it doesn’t even look like learning is happening, it could be fun and messy. I know this is a huge and foreign concept for most but the fact of the matter is education and schooling are two different things. Schooling is gaining skills in test taking, getting facts, and doing busy work, like school work pages. 

Parents typically want to see their children hitting the check boxes, they need to be  sitting at a desk, and keeping in pace and making sure no lesson is left behind. When I first started homeschooling people asked me if I was worried that they would have gaps in their education, and yes, I was completely terrified. Heck, I dropped out of high school, and when I went to high school I barely paid attention or even made it into class. How was I going to be a good teacher to my children? Now, I just want to say before I am completely derailed in this topic is that I love check boxing. I love lists and routines and all my children have expectations that have been listed out in a notebook, or printed out, we have done it all. This works for me and my sanity, but I can absolutely toss that all out the window when it is not working and try something else. I am always piloting, and adjusting and that is just the fact of life. We all have different situations, kids get older, you have another baby, you move, etc. You can always guarantee and expect that things will change, and your children’s educational needs will change and so will yours if you make it part of your job to learn and grow right along with your children. 

I am sure you have heard this before but I am gonna say it again because it is so important. Model for your children. How do you want them to behave? What habits do you want them to have? Do those things, and do them so your children see you doing it! They do what you do way more than they do what you say. So, live the life you want your children emulate. I will tell you a little story to illustrate this. When my oldest was little the Harry Potter books were just gaining popularity. Every weekend, I would babysit another little boy his age and I would read Harry Potter, while keeping an eye on them, well sort of, I would look up if it was too quiet or too noisy. When I made it to book 3, and Gabriel, my oldest was about 2 and a half at the time, I would look up from my book when it was too quiet and I would always find the boys either asleep with books in their hands or wide awake looking at books. They were just doing what they saw me doing. I never really noticed this as a thing until my 3rd was little and he was obsessed with my smart phone, it was a new thing, I was still reading my books but they had moved to my phone. When I realized that, I switched to reading quietly everyday with my kids playing near by. I love reading, escaping into a book is a favorite of mine. It is easier to read from my phone as it is with me wherever I go but this taught nothing to my two youngest. My two oldest on the other hand are HUGE readers, they prefer books, real ones. And even though my 3rd, was a late reader and it was definitely more work to get him to be a happy reader, it took me changing the way I modeled my actions. 

I hope this gave you some tips on what to do as a homeschooler, or even parenting. I will probably do more blog posts like this so if you have any questions or requests let me know. I do think that stressing with your children and pushing past a happy place with their education is the wrong way to go. Instead of diving into buying all the things, like workbooks, curriculum or some other program I would invite you to take it slow, read lots of books on education and homeschooling. Find some fun and educational Podcasts, enjoy doing lots of walks and talks with your kids. Read out load to your kids from all sorts of books, like Adventure, History, and Science. Spend time quiet reading together everyday. Cook food together, and pack picnic lunches and explore nature. Talk to your kids, listen to what they like or enjoy, tell them stories of your life and lessons you have learned. Teach them about saving, spending and giving. Show them how to clean and organize. It is never too early or late to show your children how to do all the things, like laundry, dishes, dusting, and taking care of your body. 

A few of my favorite books to get you started on Education, Parenting and Homeschooling are How Children Learn by John Holt, The Well-Trained Mind by Susan Wise Bauer and Jessie Wise, The braver Learner by Julie Bogart (I love Julie Bogart, she is so awesome, I love almost everything she says!), and Parenting with Love & Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. Oh and one more, I wish I had read when I was a teenager, its call the Teenage Liberation Handbooks, How to Quit School and Get a Real Education. 

With the libraries currently closed it maybe a bit hard to get these books. I will admit that I am still listening to audiobooks via my phone using my library card. And when I just have to own the book, I have gotten pretty lucky at finding most books I want on Ebay for usually for less then 5 bucks. I use the Libby App to get my audio books via my library cards. I also love listening to podcasts, the ones I have listening to recently are 3 in 30 Takeaways for Moms, 101 Homeschool Ideas, Homeschool Connections, and the Unschooling Life. If you have books or podcast you recommend, please put them in comments below! I am always on the look out for new things to listen to or read. 

And until next time, I will do me and you do you! 

Much Love, Becca the Bad

Shower Thoughts

In the shower where most of my brilliant thinkings, writings, and ideas happen, today was no exception. Of course once I am dressed and ready to put it all down it has almost but disappeared. When will a "pensive"recorder be invented? I don't think a hand held tape recorder would do the trick as my thoughts are more like a symphony then one stream of words that would come out fast enough. You know what I mean?

I have recently unplugged the TV in my house. It only gets plugged in so that my husband can watch football. This came at the same time I heard about unschooling. I have been homeschooling my kids for the past 6ish years. I was pretty sure I was on the right path with my kids. I always had the notion that I needed to keep learning when it came to helping my kids grow and learn. I have heard the term unschooling via people's twitter discriptions. They were "unschooling" their children. It was on my list of things to check out. The idea seemed crazy, my kids would not learn if I stopped making them do their school work. Right?

But, then I went to a parenting seminar with my husband. Her name is Joke (Yo-ka) Reeder. She spoke straight to my being. She did not use the word "unschooling," I mean she works at a boarding school. What she did say made me view the term "unschooling," in a whole new light. And so, I turned off the screens in my house and ordered "unschooling," books from the library.

It wasn't like the TV and video games were a constant in my house. There were rules. They had to get their school work done, and their chores. We stayed busy enough that the TV was rarely on anyway, but the weekends and evenings came at my house and the TV was on. especially in my room. My husband would come home from a long day and he would be tired and he would go lay down and flip on the TV. Also, my youngest (2 years old) would wake up in the morning asking to watch Cars or Cars 2 or some such movie, and I would comply. Why? Cause I liked my mornings, I liked heading to the gym for an hour and get "me" time. I had been justifying why it was okay to hypnotize my kids. It wasn't like I didn't do a ton of things with kids to enrich their lives. But, I needed me time. Turns out that I can have me time and still not have the TV on. It took some adjusting but we are on our 2nd week with no TV.

Eventually, they just stopped asking to watch. They started playing together, by themselves. Reading more books by choice and my daughter (9 years old) has restarted writing a book that she started a year ago after we finished listening to all the Harry Potters during our 6 week road trip across the US. Anyway, we have our moments but I have been able to put my time back in. My kids are happier and they are remember their dreams and starting to go for them. Especially, now that I have stopped being the enforcer of school. I still don't have all the answers about how to "unschool" my kids but I do know that I am heading in the right direction. I am not pulling my hair out trying to get through the day. I am seeing my kids happy and pushing themselves to do what makes them happy. Which in turn makes me happy.

Which is why my shower thoughts were so awesome today. I was brain-storming how this whole "unschooling" was going to happen and I was thinking back through my kids drives. Meaning what drove them to learn something new. Surprisingly, enough I saw a common interest running through both my older kids (13 year old boy and 9 year old girl). That was animals, animals of all kind but, they both love the idea of Africa. I have a friend from South Africa and she has shown us lots of great photos of her African Safaris. I love the idea of traveling and seeing the world, shit, I spent months planning the road trip across the country. But, the idea of being out in the middle of wild Africa with 3 kids does not appeal to me, but if it does my kids then hey why not. And so it begins. We plan, ask questions, and budget this trip.

I told the kids that, Payton, the 2 year old, needs to be out of diapers. We also needed to do all the research to go. This was their trip. I asked the questions, how can we get there? Who do we know who has gone before? What questions should we ask to make out trip smooth and get the most out of the trip? What would we need to pack? What do we want to learn while we are there? What do we want to see? How much will it cost? How much do we need to save up for? How can we raise the money to go? Are there programs for people to go there? Where would we stay? What parks should we go to? What animals do we want to see and study? I mean the list can go on and on. Is Africa the place you want to and see? What time of the year is best to go?

And so it begins... Real education. :)